So here I am, in the office on Saturday morning, listening to Sarah McLachlan’s An.gel on my 3250 while pretending it is an iPod. Hey the sound quality’s real good I tell u, it should have been N-okia’s iPod. But I think that title should belong to N91, just that I am sore I couldn’t afford it.

How can you NOT be all sappy when u listen to that song? It never fails to get to me. Well depending on the circumstances really. When you’ve got earphone plugged deep into ur ears, volume up by 80% drowning out all outside noises, next-to-silent office with only 4 other people in it, ur cubicle being the one right at the end of the world, yeah that pretty much summed it up for my sappy-ness.

Reading blogs of friends breaking up from the bf after 6 years coz the love is not there anymore, reading stories of people going away, trying to deal with ur messed-up family’s issues and trying to fix a broken heart at the same time pulls me down even more. I so wish I can find and bury myself in the arms of the angel right now. And while I am there, I hope the angel can provide me comfort about my fears of becoming a mother too; all to someone else, someone I feel I’ve known for such a long time but never even met. That itself, can take up a whole page of this blog if I were to describe all the turbulence of thoughts I am having about THAT fact alone.

I am quite sure this is NOT the pregnancy hormones talking. Sure my problems are not the biggest in the world, but i am kinda feeling rather messed-up now. I am nowhere near the verge of breaking down nor am I gonna go crazy all over u, but it sure feels like my mind is having another set of mind of its own. I wish I wish I wish I can solve it all with just a snap of my fingers, or at least if I can make everything disappear. Just so I can find my peace tonight.

I wanna help my family. My ill Dad, my worried Mom, my angry and ‘cukup2-makan-je’ sister and family, my teenage angsty other sister who’s just dealing with teenage problems. When u put all of the above together, that’s where the problem comes. I wish I can be the angel for all of them. But how can I if the said wannabe angel itself has to deal with her own issues as well.

I need love, I need comfort, I need guidance, I need assurance, hell I don’t know what I need anymore. I don’t even know what I feel, how would I know how do I overcome the feelings I can’t quite pinpoint.

I am afraid of becoming a mother. I know this is normal fear, but it doesn’t say in the books on how to overcome it. Everyone in my position is bound to be familiar with the ‘diri-sendiri-pun-tak-berjaga-cemane-nak-jaga-orang-lain‘ thing. We’re all referring to the LIVE little person inside us, pushing and squirming eager to make its way into our cruel world. This tiny being so small, so fragile, so innocent, so dependent on us to shush them up and comfort them and sing them lullabies and tell them it’s all gonna be ok when we know for a fact that it’s not. The thought of bringing them up just for them to face the ugly reality of the world itself is disheartening. Now I wish I can just protect her in my womb away from it all, safe from the big bad ugly monsters of the world. :(

I so need to sort everything out soon. Mind of my mind, behave will ya?

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time

You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

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