So this is what becoming a mother feels like.

I have to say, no words can describe the feeling. Yes I know it’s cliche’ but yeah that’s truly how I feel at the moment. Yes I have been extremely busy adjusting to the new life and new-found love and new status and all, but the Internet connection isn’t helping me really. There is something bloody wrong with the phone line and it is almost impossible to get connected during the day and I can come online at night but I’m just too pooped to do so lah. So here’s the story on my experience of becoming a mother. I shall try to keep it brief.

Mom got here on Tuesday, I’m quite sure u guys know that part. I was still going around (and driving out, when MIL was at work hehehe but then kantoi la coz the driver reported to her that one car went missing for about 3-4 hours) with Mom and the urut lady who came with her, bringing them to eat and buy stuff, we even did the t.esco-i.kea-i.kano-c-urve rounds on foot hahaha. I was kinda hoping for kiddo to come out on Thursday since it’s the 19th and I was born on the 19th as well though on a different month, so I sat still at home on Thursday, waiting for some sort of sign that the baby’s coming.

The contractions did come, starting from the evening, but it was bearable and progressing quite slowly so I just kinda kept it to myself, not even letting hubbster at work know. Then at night, starting from 8, it started coming every 20 mins and the pain made me sweat hahaha. But I wanted to have some food from the mamak stall and so as to coax hubbs to take me out, I just told him that I’m feeling some kind of pain and maybe we might have to go to the hospital but then maybe we won’t coz it’s nothing really. Sneaky, I know, but I just didn’t want him to panic too soon hehehe. After eating I told him that we’d have to go since it’s every 15 mins now (the doc adviced me to come when the pain is every 20 mins but I figured since it’s night-time the roads are clear and all, it should be ok to push it a bit hehe).

We calmly went home, informed everyone that we’re going to the hospital for check-up (I had to do the apologizing-to-everyone-salam rounds here), took the bags we packed and left for the hospital, reaching there at about 10.30 p.m. I was put on the CTG to monitor baby’s heartbeat and labor contractions, true enough it was coming at every 15 mins but I was still measuring small. The doctor ordered me to be admitted so we had to spend the night there, me unable to sleep coz of the pain, hubbster unable to sleep coz of the uncomfy chair hehehe. When morning came and the CTG still reads the same and I was only 3cm along, the doc ordered me to be wheeled into the labor room and I was to be induced since the slow progress could be harmful for the baby. I went in at 930 a.m., the drip was put on and in no time at all, the contractions was coming fast and furious, making me whine and groan at every wave and when they came at every 5 mins, I was already unable to speak. Not a single word came out of my mouth for that one hour duration.

I am not gonna talk about labor and delivery pain here, all I can say is induced and non-medicated delivery equals BAD in every sense of the word but it is definitely not unbearable else I wouldn’t still be alive now will I. Well anyways fortunately it didn’t last that long, as what people usually experience between 4-12 hours, I got it all cramped in 2. Yeah it was a whirlwind. What I remember most was at the first try of pushing it got soooo painful and soooo frustrating when the baby didn’t appear I actually screamed bloody murder out loud unconsciously and then the nurses pressed the emergency button and the doctor and more nurses came running into the room. I have no idea why and this I know from my mom who was waiting outside and cried at that scenario coz she got freaked at my scream and all that running miahahahaha.

But she did come after that. The blur of events lead to the blue wet slimy squeamish warm thing being put on my tummy and my instinct to grab it and hold it close was soooo out of this world. Ayra Hanna was born at 11.21 a.m., Friday 20th April 2007 weighing in at 3.3 kgs and 51 cms long. I myself can’t believe I could give birth to a 3.3 kg thing from down THERE. And my total weight gain throughout pregnancy is only 8 kgs.

Ayra came home the day after and she didn’t sleep from 6pm to 4am the first night, woke up only once the second night and slept the whole night through the third night. We had a taste of parenthood. When she won’t sleep, we wished and tried everything we can so she will, when she did sleep we still can’t coz we’re worried if she is still breathing or didn’t she get hungry or is she just tired or what. On her fifth day of life we took her for her first checkup and she got admitted to the hospital coz she had quite a bad case of jaundice. Her novice parents didn’t notice she’d gotten yellow coz the room’s curtains are yellow, we thought she was just changing skin, and her ‘anak mata’ is just so large it’s almost impossible to see the white part has turned yellow.

I cried my lungs out when I had to leave her behind. Now I know what it feels like to love your own child. I cried at the hospital, I cried on the way home, I cried when I got into the room and saw the empty cot, I cried when hubbster tried to show me her pics, I cried when it’s time for bed. And she was only 5 days old then. We went to the hospital 3 times that first day alone. The next 2 days, I stayed there from afternoon till night.

It was heart-wrenching to watch her naked except for the diaper, eyes closed with an eye-mask thingy, having to sleep in a plastic container without any mattress or pillows with the white and blue lights under and on top of her. Damn. I missed the 3 nights she wasn’t beside me on her cot at home, so so badly. She came home on the 1-week anniversary of her life and we have been keeping her very very closely monitored (and pampered) since then.

Now let’s see what else can we learn about becoming parents and caring for a newborn…..

Ayra, 20 mins out of the womb

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